Among the queer-identified community, many people opt in for polyamory. Yet many lesbians do not. Forget the U-haul jokes here, it’s just that it’s simply not commonplace for women to even consider it as a viable option.

I see the identification of polyamory, or non-monogamy, like I see the identities of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities. Honestly, I believe some people are born poly, while a number of others may “choose” this path for relationships. That’s certainly not to say LGBTQ people choose their identities, but there is a certain coming out process where folks choose to be out or not in particular capacities with themselves and with others.

Poly folks are widely misunderstood, even among the LGBTQ population. In the era of where fighting for marriage equality is a cornerstone issue for lesbians and gays, polyamorous options usually get pushed to the wayside in favor of monogamy as a civil right. But I argue that acceptance and celebration of poly relationships fit the queer civil rights agenda.

By the time of this past Valentine’s Day, I found myself navigating several relationships and, in the process, myself. It has been an emotional and deeply fulfilling path, and it’s still no less important to my at-home partner and me.

I came out as polyamorous when I was 20 and, like virtually everyone poly or monogamous, it’s been a bumpy road finding balance and happiness. When I came out as bisexual, people told me I was just a sexual person, like that was the only reason I liked boys and gals. Well, I am not afraid to claim myself as a sexual person and a proud ethical slut. But my orientation and gender have little to do with how much intimacy and sex I desire.

My first poly relationship at 21 was sticky, especially since at the time I presented as male and wanted to be very fair, ethical, and feminist in my desires. This queer woman and I decided together to open up our once monogamous relationship, but rarely acted upon it. We kissed other people, we flirted, and we even had some joint, ahem, hook-ups, but we never crossed the threshold of either of us dating other people. And then there was the last month of our relationship.

I was really smitten with this other woman. We had hooked up before, a couple years ago. She went off to college, dropped out, hung out in California until breaking up with her boyfriend, and then there we were in the same town again.

My girlfriend didn’t want me to have sex with this other woman. We came to an impasse. I was about to move, I did not want to leave her, but it felt so important to be with this other woman at least for one night. One night together before I left.

Looking back on it, it wasn’t fair to my girlfriend at the time. We stayed together through it. We both regret how it went down. I also felt a little over my head navigating things where I really should have moved on.

And I did. I came to Chicago, left her, and have found many other relationships, big and small, with several people and have ended up living with my partner of a year and a half.

I’ve been also struggling to find how my relationships have changed since the beginning of my transition and coming out as a trans woman. I’m finding new attention on me, this new desirability from different queer people to be with me. It feels really great, validating, and humbling, but also strange. I feel like men in hetero relationships just don’t get the same flirtatious attention that women give each other. It’s special.

I still get butterflies in my stomach when I meet someone new that I really like. I feel happy that they show such tender affection toward me, and that I have a beautifully intimate support system that has webbed itself together.

I get really happy when I hear my at-home partner met someone new, got a phone number while we’re at a bar, or has a date coming up. It made me blush with happiness to see her at her birthday kiss a girl she’s been dating for a little while. I whispered to our friends, “that’s so hot!”

I’ve worked very hard to feel secure with myself, my independence, and my commitments to my partners. I love communicating. You really have to in order to be polyamorous.

Polyamory is certainly not perfect. Someone usually feels neglected at some point in time. Jealousy happens, even when you remind yourself how much that person loves you. Envy—feeling the pure frustration of someone else who seems to have people crawling all over them. And then the unfortunate reality that you have to prioritize people in your life, and it sucks feeling like number two or three. I’ve been on both sides of the equation.

But to me, monogamy seems to have the same problems twice fold. It’s the feeling of guilt of checking out others, a tired resignation of being with one person for the rest of your life, or the secrecy of emotions and desires where you can never be truly and wholly honest with your partner or spouse.

I know I do not take this for granted. I do not know of any polyamorous person who does. It is a wonderful tangle, an exchange, and something exciting.

So what did I do for Valentine’s? I sent a few messages to some partners and spent the whole day with my at-home partner and sweetie, Rosy.

crashpadseries:

This year, Swarthmore College’s Queer and Trans Conference Planning Committee is pleased to announce the theme for our 2012 conference: “Power, Pleasure, and Violence: A New Discourse of Bodies, Desire, and Sex”.


I had the excellent privilege this last week to fly out to Philadelphia…

GAW THIS SOUNDS SO LOVERLY :)

ps i love syd :D

invisiblyqueer:

       Nouns are as complicated for me as pronouns. My relationship to identity monikers is both a site of confusion and a site of growth. When i decided to transition this time around, i thought of myself as a woman.

       My identity fell upon binary lines. i didn’t even really feel all that connected to the idea of being a trans woman. i was simply a woman, and began taking steps to align my body and presentation with that reality. This was a process that was simultaneously liberating and hindering.

       i grew my hair out, awkwardly at first. i started taking estrogen. i learned to sew fabulous dresses and wore them everywhere. i shaved my body hair. i wanted to be perceived as a woman, period. This never really happened.

       Some folks in my life saw me this way, but these folks were particularly gender conscious and were committed to allowing me to define myself. For them i am incredibly grateful. i was given some space for becoming. i was empowered by knowing that there were folks who took my word about who and what i was.

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transactivisty:

Cis people, and cis women specifically, please stop making the cotton ceiling about YOU.

This ain’t about YOUR panties.

This ain’t about “shaming” you into engaging in a sex act you attent interested in. Or using the language of social justice to coerce someone into intimacy or sex with someone with whom they are uninterested in.

This ain’t about “shaming cis women into sex” this is about you shaming us OUT of it.

The culture of shame, disgust, devaluation, desexualization, mockery, misogyny, transmisogyny and transphobia leads to a an already desperately isolated and oppressed group to feel shamed, unwelcome, and unloveable in our own communities.

We deserve a chance at love, intimacy, and self-love just as much as any other queer woman, and we can’t get there until we address the larger problem of wholesale exclusion and near universal and vocal disgust towards us and or bodies.

“no more apologies” referenced this idea of being forced to be ashamed and bow to the comfort of cis women.

But here is a secret, those of you who are disgusted by trans women? We never wanted to have sexytimes with you in the first place.

When you make it about you, you ARE part of the problem.

Fuck. YES.

prettyqueer:

Sometimes I wonder whether trans men writing about transmisogyny and trans-man-douchebaggery and how much is sucks is the new spoken word poetry. Every time I’ve written anything about how trans dude culture can get pretty gross in the way it appropriates the experiences and oppression…

juicypinkbox:

Carlin Ross is a babe.  Especially when she’s talking about porn with the boss. 

as my newsfeed, twitter feed, and regular listening on npr becomes unbearable with so much crap about who is winning over who in the republican primary, i constantly remind others that this is nothing more than a sideshow to real politics: the class struggle.

now, don’t get me wrong. i’m not an anarchist who thinks that all elections and voting within the u.s. power structure is worthless and compromises one’s principles. nor am i a communist party, usa member (or many other social-democrat groups) who are opportunists, apologists for obama, or at the worst, cheerleaders for the democrats. i believe strongly that people move politically within election seasons. it’s our jobs as revolutionaries and activists to use that movement to our advantage.

in 2008, it was different. we had the first (cisgender) male african american and white woman within short distance to winning the democratic party nomination, and the presidency. obama was clearly more progressive than hillary clinton (and sadly still is!), and you had this big movement of particularly youth activists being siphoned off the anti-war movement into the political campaign (again). so, this wasn’t really a choice for my area of activism, neither was it for the serious revolutionaries in the trade union movement (and i’m not talking about the i.w.w. here, folks). you had to work with the obama supporters. and you most definitely had to guard your activists from becoming sucked into the democratic party.

as predicted, and because of the state of leftist non-unification in the u.s., activist groups hemorrhaged. only the strong survived, and many local, regional, and national groups that did had a strong backbone of dedicated leftists and/or communists. still others went into more non-profit community center politics — but that’s for another article.

in 2012, we see what we’ve prepared for all along since the economic collapse in 2008. obama was never the answer, the u.s. still leans “center-right” in bourgeois political standards, and the international situation is still more ominous with the manipulation of the arab spring in libya, syria, and of course, iran.

of course, as leftist activists, we see nothing to be gained by engaging the 2012 obamaites. and rightfully so. anyone who is so mired in love with obama as the “practical center-left” and so fearful of a republican alternative deserves criticism.

my personal prediction is, seeing how split the republican section of the bourgeoisie, and the base, that there will be no chance for the prospective republican nominees to win, unless of course something big happens. romney is too moderate and is a mormon. santorum is too far right, and is a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. newt is gone, and the racist ron paul has been out of the picture since the beginning. if paul decides to run as independent, it only increases the odds of republicans losing.

our main job is to build upon the occupy movements and organize big mobilization against the nato and g8 summits in chicago, starting in may. occupy has already succeeded far beyond what the organized hardcore left expected. it has quantitatively shifted public opinion and garnered significant support in anti-capitalism, anti-bourgeois (the 1%), anti-corruption, and pro-socialist beliefs (albiet in many its forms). yes yes, i have many criticisms of occupy, but that will come in another post.

also is our main job to resolutely struggle against the upsurge of the criminalization of dissent: the national defense authorization act, bradley manning and wikileaks, and of course the case of fbi repression of political activists across the u.s.

don’t be mired in the 2012 political sideshow. this isn’t about queer rights, wars, healthcare, blah blah blah. yeah, those struggles for intermediate demands are important. but we all know we win these rights from the peoples struggles, not politicians. fighting against the nato/g8 summits go hand and hand for developing both demands for, one example, free speech rights while also preparing the masses for revolutionary struggle. it’s a step by step process.

so in the words of amilcar cabral, a luta continua! the struggle continues!

queersintheoutdoors:

Hey everyone,

This is a long overdue update! I launched the website for Queers in the Outdoors on November 21. Just over a month later, on December 24, (my birthday!) I had received enough donations to cover all $1085 of my fines, plus the cost of postage for all the calendars I mailed….

This is wonderful :D And what a great cause to support.

my friend and i on new years eve :)

Jiz Lee